Teasing: Helping Children Cope

Most everyone is teased at one time or another. Teasing is a relatively common part of our relationships. Children do not have to be overweight, wear glasses or suck their thumb to be a victim of teasing—teasing can be about anything.

Playful teasing can be fun, constructive, and it can help children develop social skills they will need in adolescence and adulthood. Playful teasing occurs when it causes everyone to smile and laugh, including the person who is being teased. In contrast, hurtful teasing includes ridicule, name-calling, put-downs and saying or doing annoying things. The person being teased feels sad, angry or hurt. There is a very fine line between playful and hurtful teasing.

Teasing most commonly occurs on the school bus, on the playground or in the halls at school because teasers usually need or want an audience to witness their teasing. A teaser will try to target something about your child that is different. Your child could be the tallest in class or wear glasses. But teasing is not just about physical differences. Being the smartest or most reserved kid in class can also make your child a target of a teaser. While you cannot do much to prevent other kids from teasing your child, you can teach him or her how to cope with comments that hurt.

Responding to Teasing

When a child experiences teasing, it is important to see the problem from the child’s point of view. Listen attentively to your child and discuss the teasing in a non-judgmental way. Do not overreact, which can cause the child to overact as well. Convey the message, “You can handle this.” Encourage the child to think of ways to deal with the teasing.

Also, let your child know that we all experience teasing at some point in our lives. You can share your own stories of being teased. Let your child know that the teaser is often unhappy or insecure and teasing is a way of copying, And, although that is not necessarily okay, it may help your child understand that teasing is not always about his or her perceived shortcoming.

Teasing Strategies: Using Self-Talk

Encourage children to think about what they can say to themselves when they are in a teasing situation. A child could tell himself, “I can handle this.” A child might ask himself, “Is this tease true?” Often, the answer is, “No.” He can remind himself of positive qualities to counteract the negative remarks.

Ignoring or Not Responding: Displays of anger or tears often invite more teasing. Often, if the teaser does not get a response, it is not as fun to tease.

Building “I” Messages: The child expresses how he feels, what has caused him to feel that way, and what he would like others to do differently. For example, a child could say, “I feel upset when you make fun of my glasses. I would like you to stop.” This strategy works best in supervised situations such as classrooms. In other situations, it may lead to more teasing when the teaser perceives the child being teased is upset.

Incorporating Visualization: Many young children respond well to visualizing words “bouncing off” of them. This image can be created by showing how rubber balls bounce off a person. The child may visualize a protective shield around her that helps the teases “bounce off.” This gives the child the message that she can refuse the put-downs.

Reframing the Tease: The child can try turning the teasing into a compliment. For example, a child teases about his glasses, calling him “four-eye.” The child being teased could respond, “Thanks for noticing my glasses.” Another child may respond to a tease by saying “That is a great put-down.”

Agreeing with the Tease: The teaser says, “You are a freckle-face.” The teased child responds, “You’re right. I have a lot of freckles on my face.” This shows the teaser that the child is not a victim.

So? The response of “So?” to the teaser conveys indifference—that the tease does not matter. Children find this response simple, yet quite effective.

Walking Away: If your child is able to walk away from the teaser, suggest she do so. If the teaser usually bothers her in the same place every day, suggest that she avoid that area.

Using Humor: Humor shows that little importance is placed on the put-downs or mean remarks. Laughing at what the teaser says can often turn a hurtful situation into a funny one.

Asking for Help: If teasing is relentless and makes your child anxious and upset, he or you should speak with his teacher. Make sure to discuss things with your child before you intervene.

When Teasing Becomes Harassment: Teasing becomes harassment if it is repeated or prolonged, threatens or results in violence or involved inappropriate touching or physical contact. If harassment is suspect or anticipate, adults should intervene.

Staying in Control: Remind your child that although he or she is being teased, they are still the one with all the power and control. They have the power to choose how to react when someone teases them. Teasing will only bother them if they let it. Ignoring the comments or coming up with other coping strategies shows that teaser your child is in control of their emotions. Always encourage children to talk with you after they have tried some of the teasing strategies. Tell them that it takes practice to deflect teasing and that you want to continue to help them.

Source: Prevent Child Abuse North Carolina, 3344 Hillsborough St, Ste 100D, Raleigh, NC 27607 1-800-CHILDREN

Department of Public Instruction School Improvement Division, Alternative and Safe Schools/Instructional Support Section (919) 807-3939